This week marks my first ever week of UNIVERSITY. That's right, internet, I made it. I am well on my way to accomplishing something with my life.
Which is... what, exactly?
I came here expecting to feel out of my element, yes, and expecting to be overwhelmed by the course load. But I had a major in mind and I was pretty sure I'd stick with it. Now, a week later, I'm questioning everything I thought about:
1. Education
2. Employment
3. Myself
Let's dive right in, shall we?
In high school, I went to class with a definite purpose in mind: Graduation. You do the work, you get the grades, you move on to bigger and better things. I assumed that was more or less how it worked. And, luckily enough, this assumption got me a diploma. No knocking high school - that in itself is pretty swell.
Coming to university, though, was like having the ground ripped out from beneath my feet. I go to class... why? Because I'm paying for it? True. Because I want an education? Also true. Because I have a particular goal/career in mind that's keeping me motivated and directed in my studies? Not so much. I am dangling in midair, grasping at blurred visions of a future that just doesn't seem to fit anymore. And I've never had much upper body strength.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what to study, where to work, who to be - and that sucks on a number of levels. For example, I ended up dropping a course and scrambling to find a replacement that sounded at least a little bit interesting. Sure, it meant stressing for a day or so and reluctantly paying full price for a new textbook, but the whole experience sent my mind reeling: Why am I not enjoying this classes that sounded so promising and were leading me in such a positive direction what's-wrong-with-me?
That last question has been surprisingly loud, echoing through my mind every morning and every night, feeling me with the kind of doubt that makes dreams and accomplishments seem like falling leaves, rushing past me in the breeze and floating delicately into the voice. Why isn't my plan working out? Why does it seem like everyone else is having such an easier go of things? Am I really giving up?
I can't answer any of those questions. But I can say this: I'm here, I'm doing this. I spent a good five hours buried in my biology text book this morning and will, I'm sure, become intimately acquainted with the others in a short time. I feel like I'm working my butt off but I'm no longer sure why. And that feeling - that terrible, aching lack of purpose - is really getting to me. It's that high-pitched voice in the back of my head saying, "You should drop out! Take a year off! This isn't for you!" And those are perfectly valid life choices. But I've never been good at making decisions.
So I'll be here, hanging in midair above an endless abyss of uncertainty, self-doubt and confusion. It isn't a great place to be, but I'll be sure to send out postcards so you know that if you ever find yourself here, you are not alone. If you have any input, please, I am all ears - but for a pair of dark-rimmed eyes, staring plaintively out at the universe, waiting for a sign.
